When Mary came for her session she had already tried everything, feeling like she had given all of her options a go and had nothing to lose. Basically, she had been in and out of short term relationships for the past thirty years and would like to “Stop sabotaging myself” she said.
As we began chatting, Mary told me that she felt her lack of self-esteem and poor self-worth was at the root of all of her problems. The trouble with that sort of thinking is that it isn’t very helpful, I explained, if you were to look at a rabbit in the wild or a fox, they are not sitting around comparing themselves to other rabbits or foxes. No, they are simply being themselves. They don’t know what ‘self-esteem’ or ‘self-worth’ is.
Mary was able to start relationships easily enough but after a few months she would end them because her new partner ‘wasn’t a good fit for me’. Speaking quietly she said “it’s the little things!” Her initial attraction would be diminished owing to ‘unconscious rule structures’, something that Mary was totally unaware of.
No rules for me and my rules for you
The twenty or so partners that Mary had met over the years seemed to share the same rule structure meta-program, namely No/My. As a result, within a short time after the initial dating period the ‘Do as I say not as I do’ attitude would surface. As soon as it did the relationship would end.
My rules for me my rules for you
Although Mary was in desperate need to have a loving relationship her own below conscious rule structure is My/My. In a nutshell, she only wanted out of the relationship what she was prepared to put in and felt that her partner should be the same way. If you follow her way of thinking it sounds very fair treating others as she wants to be treated. However, she seemed to attract the wrong pattern and just couldn’t get passed it.
How to find the partner you desire?
I proposed that Mary ask her next date a couple of questions to discover his rule structure, the questions were:
1. What did he think would help him to grow a great relationship?
2. What would be a good way for someone else to grow a great relationship?
The answers to these questions would tell her if her prospective partner has a my/my rule structure or not. If he answered with what he thinks would work for him to question 1 and that others should do it the same way as him for question 2 then you have a my/my
If he answered ‘I don’t know’ to question 1. and for question 2 gives a list then you have a no/my…Run to the hills!!!
Mary left the session no longer thinking about how low she was but rather how she can’t been given the correct communication tools with which to drive her life forward. She is now feeling far more confident and is back out there exploring a whole new world.
Can this really be noticed so simply?
The answer is yes! These patterns may appear tiny at first but they will grow and grow, causing you and your partner lots of stress. If you choose to stay in this prolonged state of conflict your health may suffer under the weight and challenge that these rule structure conflicts create. There are other patterns of course and if you would like to learn more about your own and how they work please contact us. Body Mind Workers because there is a better way.
Names have been changed to protect