Without Boundaries you may need therapyAs we continue going beyond the nothing let's take a look at this...
One of the key differences between someone in coaching and someone in therapy can be argued from a position of ‘boundaries’.
A person who has boundaries can be coached within those parameters whereas a person with no boundaries will need therapy to begin the process of creating boundaries. In order for you to be you, everything else in the universe has to be not you.
The client may present with a coaching problem that is actually deeply rooted and needs a skilled therapist. If you consider the drip of water that drops onto the calm pool, without adequate boundaries you will find yourself forever at the mercy of the ripples and waves.
The following is simply my opinion based on two decades of study within the field of human excellence and an Amazon best seller The Saboteur Within - the definitive guide to overcoming self sabotage.
What is a Psychological Boundary?
Imagine a small stream just trickling along through the park, hardly noticeable and often forgotten about or overlooked.It is very shallow, has no power and its course can be changed by anyone who wants to through a few stones or the odd rock. The stream will always rub against the rock and maybe after years and years, the stream might make some impact on the rock, but only slight. To the onlooker the stream and the rock are one.
Then one day some engineers come along and build a dam or boundary. As soon as the little stream has a clearly defined limit to its action, it becomes more powerful. The engineers build the walls so high that the stream gains greater status, as people begin to talk about how amazing she looks, how grand and how powerful she is.
The engineers then channel the energy from the stream to help others, but none of this is possible until someone decides to build a boundary. A psychological boundary works the same way. If you don’t have any, then you will be blocked and twisted by the limits others put upon you.
Where do boundaries come from?
Your child hood and the way that you were brought up will all have an impact on your self-confidence, self-awareness and self-esteem. This in turn will impact on what you believe is a healthy relationship and how you believe a healthy relationship should be.
Every meaning that you have made about ‘stuff’ that has happened to you has had an impact on your boundaries. If you have very few boundaries as an adult then it may be suggesting that you have had a personal violation or were subject to abuse.
This original pattern, unless worked through with the help of someone outside of you, will be like the rock in the stream everyone knows its there but the stream can’t move the rock by itself.
An unconscious boundary.If during your child hood you were entrenched in a rule structure of ‘do as I say and not as I do’ then you will no doubt have a few issues around relationships and boundaries. Imagine the young woman who has an overbearing father so she marries a shyster of a guy, in order to unconsciously hit back at her parents.
She then gets pregnant and her mother and father say, “you made your bed, you lie in it!” The young woman also made a promise to her religion not to divorce “until death us do part”…. what to do …? What to do…? Hmmm! Let me see… we are both miserable but stuck with each other until death, or until one of us breaks the rules. So, what if you were to amplify a behaviour in order to bring the marriage to an end. The following examples are all based on client games that my wife Sonya Hudson and I have worked with over the years and used in our training:
- Look super sexy but with hold sex, so he/she has an affair and then its his fault.
- Become super fat so he/she has an affair and then it’s his fault.
- Throw myself into my career so he has an affair and then its his/her fault,
- Throw myself into ‘mum/dad' role so he has an affair and then its his/her fault.
- I have an affair he finds out beats me up and then it’s his/her fault.
I hope you noticed the blame game going on here? All of which is unconscious and treatable. But you would need to seek out a coach or therapist that was able to use unconscious coaching.
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