What depression can look, sound and feel like.
About twenty-five years ago a very frightened and confused young man was terrified of nothing! When I say ‘nothing’ there was obviously a lot of stuff going on in his world but for some reason it was beginning to overwhelm him.
A voice chattering inside his head, a noise that never seemed to end, constantly telling him “You’re no good!” and many other derogatory words and phrases.
All the while this was happening, out in the distance, was a dark cloud which was getting bigger and bigger, moving closer and closer. Who could he tell? Who would believe him? People would think he was nuts!
Suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
One bleak October morning, he woke from a restless night. Tired of being tired the clatter and the cruel darkness of the storm, now raging against his broken spirit.
Then through the gloom shone a shaft of light and there was only one solid voice, which offered the best way forward. The young man instantly knew that this was the best solution, so he spent the day with his loved ones in a very calm, tranquil state of mind.
No one could have guessed what was going on beneath those calm, still waters and as night came, he left them, to execute his demise.
Standing on the Bridge In A Trance Like State
As he stood on the bridge the silence was beautiful and although it was night-time outside, in his mind it was light. Dropping a stone over the edge he counted “1…..2…..3” … “thud!” yelled the stone as it hit the concrete.
As the young man leaned forwards to leave this life a double decker bus came under the bridge, he fell back. A torrent of questions now filled his mind “What about the poor bus driver?” What if I end up paralysed, coz the bus breaks my fall?” and on and on the questions came. The young man appeared as did Hamlet, wondering ...
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them?
He would end them but not today
Living in Auto-Pilot
So perplexed by not even being able to kill him-self, the young man walked home numb, not cold, although a northern October night is apt to be so, no he was numbed out of his body, his spirit was shattered.
In case you haven’t guessed yet, I was that young man and I stayed outside of my body for many months, watching it move around, transporting me from place to place. I have spoken to many people over the years and all, who have had a depression, agree with this ‘out of body’ state.
Reconnecting mind, body and spirit
Whilst disconnected I had no decision making abilities. Standing in the kitchen I remember breaking down in tears, as I couldn’t decide for myself if I wanted tea or coffee? Imagine that?
I knew that I wanted to get back into the driving seat but how? As I stood staring out of the kitchen window one morning, after having successfully negotiated a cup of tea, with milk, in a mug, I congratulated myself.
That tiny success felt huge to me and so from there I began a bigger project, tidying our back garden. I worked on one spade full of weeds at a time, one patch at a time. One weed at a time being untangled from the good soil and then put into the bin bag. Inch by inch, foot by foot. I was making progress.
Then one bright sunny July evening Joan, our neighbour, looked over the fence and said “You’ve done a grand job there!” In that moment the blinkers which had kept me inside the tunnel, dropped away and I was back.
In an instant my mind and spirit had reconnected. That instant had been born out of all of the tiny decisions that I had been making over months and months. It was about two years after this that I realised my mind was never broken my spirit had backed away to heal itself and when the time was right I returned.
You are the meaning maker
This isn't always something that is taught in NLP training but if you don't feel you are the meaning maker then perhaps you need to invest in some life coaching, check out matthudson.com/life-coaching.
The dark cloud still visits me now and again, but now it serves to remind me to take life easy, there is no black and white, life just is. This little mantra gets me from one moment to the next, I hope it can help you too.
If you are in your darkness right now, please take the tiny steps and build on them, if you fall back congratulate your self, for beginning. Everyday is a new day.